Abuse has a lot of short-term and long-term effects on a person. I've listed several of them in a different post but I am going to be going into more detail for several of the effects. One of the lasting effects of abuse is anger. This anger is inside of the survivor of abuse but also all those close to them who learn of this abuse. I can speak to this on a personal level. I saw this anger in myself, in my father, and in close relatives of my mother (specifically her sister, her brother, and her sister-in-law).
Over the years, I have read a lot of articles, books, and papers that describe the effects of abuse. Most, if not all, survivors suffer from PTSD and that comes with a lot of symptoms including the one we are discussing today: anger.
"Many people feel angry after a trauma. Anger helps us cope with life's stresses by giving us energy to keep going in the face of danger or trouble. At the same time, anger can create problems" (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs—yes, this is a website for veterans, but there are studies out there that show veterans' PTSD symptoms and stress is a lot like a victim of abuses' symptoms and this website talks about PTSD in general). If you have PTSD, you may be in a constant state of survival mode and many who are in survival mode use anger as a way to protect themselves. This is especially true if you feel like you have been betrayed.
When you have PTSD, you often feel on edge, and irritable, and you can be easily provoked. (Source: U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
Something that may seem like a normal situation or saying to one who is not a survivor of abuse may seem like a threat or can trigger a flashback for a survivor and can cause them to lash out aggressively. This is even more true when they were a victim at a young age—they never learned to control or regulate their emotions since they were always in survival mode at their young, vulnerable, learning age.
Post-traumatic anger can lead to issues in home life, work life, and personal relationships. Therapists/experts have categorized post-traumatic anger into three key aspects: arousal, behavior, and thoughts and beliefs.
Arousal: Anger causes certain reactions in the body—the heart, circulation, glands, and brain are all called into action and your muscles become tense. When you have PTSD, this higher level of tension can become your natural state and that means the emotional and physical feelings of anger are more intense. When you have PTSD, you often feel on edge, and irritable, and you can be easily provoked. This high level of arousal may cause you to search out situations that require you to stay alert or it could cause you to turn to alcohol, drugs, or other mind-numbing things to reduce the tension thrumming through your body and mind (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
Behavior: A lot of the time, the best response to an extreme threat is to act aggressively to protect yourself. Many survivors, especially those who were young when it happened, never learned a different way to handle a threat. They tend to become stuck in their ways when they feel threatened, they may act impulsively. Aggressive behaviors also include complaining, "backstabbing", being late or doing a poor job on purpose, self-blame, or even self-injury. They haven't learned or are not able to use other responses that could be more positive (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
Thoughts and Beliefs: Everyone has thoughts or beliefs that help them understand their surroundings. Someone with PTSD may believe that threat is all around them even when this is not true. They might not even be fully aware of these thoughts and beliefs. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs gives a great example: "A combat Veteran may become angry when his wife, children, or coworkers don't "follow the rules." He doesn't realize that his strong belief is actually related to how important it was for him to follow rules during the war in order to prevent deaths." You can easily translate this to "an abuse survivor may become angry with her husband, children, or coworkers when they don't "follow the rules". She doesn't realize that her strong belief is actually related to how important it was for her to follow the rules set by her abuser so that she, others close to her, or even the abuser (depending on the threats and emotional abuse the abuser did) don't get hurt".
The trauma may make you feel a greater need to control your surroundings. This may lead you to have little flexibility when it comes to rules. This can, in turn, cause others to become hostile to you, which then reinforces your beliefs. Some common thoughts of people with PTSD are: "You can't trust anyone", If I got out of control, it would be horrible", "After all I've been through, I deserve to be treated better than this", "Others are out to get me", or "They won't protect me" (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
Therapy, especially CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy— therapy specifically used to create changes in one's thoughts and thought processes) is a great way to learn how to control anger and how to get out of that constant state of survival. For example, changing the act first impulse to think first then act, learning how to relax and calm down, and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones such as "If I lost control, it would be horrible" to "Even if I lose control, I wouldn't be threatened in this situation" or when others are not following the rules, instead of thinking that others are out to get you, change the thought to "Others do not have to be perfect in order for me to survive or be comfortable" (U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
Anger is a dangerous emotion and one that is hard to control. It can turn into festering hate towards the abuser, towards others you think could have stopped it, towards yourself, and towards God. Anger can turn your heart to stone and it ends up controlling you. It can destroy your relationships and your relationship with God. It can completely destroy your soul, leaving you a shell of yourself. As hard as it is, forgiveness needs to happen in order to heal yourself. Yes, this is going to be long and hard work. It is going to be devastating and emotionally draining. It might take years to get to that point. I'm not saying to forgive and forget—abuse should not be forgotten, justice needs to be fought for, and the abuser needs to face the consequences of their sin. However, in order to find healing and relearn God's love and grace, forgiveness is a major step. Therapy is a great way to find that healing and that forgiveness.
The trauma and shock of early childhood abuse often affects how well the survivor learns to control his or her emotions. Problems in this area lead to frequent outbursts of extreme emotions, including anger and rage (Source: U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs).
There are several songs I've heard recently that accurately describe the type of all-consuming anger and pain as a result of sexual abuse and hearing about the abuse of your loved one. I was hesitant to bring up the one that resonated most with me because of two reasons: 1) the singer says "I'd pray to God...if I had one, and 2) it has one use of the F-bomb. However, I still want to talk about this song because I think the emotion and reality Howie shows in his song really hits home. It shows the anger not from the survivor's perspective but from the survivor's boyfriend's perspective (someone who cares very much for her). It shows that the abuse affects more than just the victim, but it also shows that the effects such as anger can become all-consuming and can lead us to do and think things we will later regret.
I'm going to post the lyrics and the music video if you want to listen below (starring out the bad word) (the woman you'll see in that video is his loved one who was raped) and then I will go through them. I remember the first time that I heard this song and it brought all those feelings I have about my mom's abuser to the surface. It felt good to scream out the lyrics and let out that anger.
"I'd pray to God that you would choke
If I had one
I'd put a noose around your throat
If I had one
Now, I'd put this bullet through your skull
If I had one
No, I don't have proof, but I would kill you
If I had some
I'd go right back to when we met
(If I only could)
Put poison thoughts inside your head
(**** you up for good)
I'd love to torture you to death
(And you know I would)
To make sure the cancer doesn't spread
You've got my confession
You can write this down
You ain't got no business
So shut your mouth
Now if they find you face down in a ditch
I hope they don't hear this
You took her choice away
Like she was your prey
And I bet she's not the only one
If you think it's in the past
And you're over that
I would only ask
What would happen if I said your name?
(What would happen if I said your name?)
What would happen if I said your name?
(What would happen if I said your name?)
What would happen if I said your name?
I'd put a scar in you for life
If I had the chance
I'd make it hurt but keep you alive
And I bet I can
I'd make you feel the way she did
With the worst parts enhanced
And then you'll be the victim of a man
You've got my confession
You can write this down
You ain't got no business
So shut your mouth
Now if they find you face down in a ditch
I hope they don't hear this
You took her choice away
Like she was your prey
And I bet she's not the only one
If you think it's in the past
And you're over that
I would only ask
What would happen if I said your name?
(What would happen if I said your name?)
What would happen if I said your name?
(What would happen if I said your name?)
What would happen if I said your name?
How many men like you remain nameless." - "Nameless" by Stevie Howie
The anger that abuse creates is such an all-consuming, engrossing emotion that it can cause a person to wish death or worse on the abuser. That's what the singer, Stevie Howie, is showing in his song. His loved one was raped and his anger makes him wish he could kill or torture the man who did it. He wishes he could make this man feel the same way as his loved one did—the fear, the powerlessness, having no say and having your choices being taken from you, being prey and feeling like you're being hunted, the feeling of never being safe anymore, the consuming anxiety that follows the abuse, the scars both physical and emotional, being a victim, and in this case, being a victim of a man.
The majority of abusers are men and so the lyric that says, "and then you'll be the victim of a man", is so important. If more men stood up and did what was right (and no, I'm not promoting murder), then maybe abuse would lessen. If more men spoke up about this issue, showed their disgust for these types of men, and stood behind the ladies with support, love, and protectiveness, maybe, just maybe the stats and reality of abuse would be smaller. Here are a few stats that are easily found on the internet. Now, this isn't to say that a woman cannot be an abuser—they can, my mother's was—but the majority are men.
Ninety percent of people who commit violent physical assault are men. Males perpetrate 95% of all serious domestic violence. (Source: U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. Sourcebook of Criminal Justice Statistics Online. http://www.albany.edu/sourcebook/)
Close to all – 99.8% – of the people in prison convicted of rape are men. (Source: National Crime Statistics.)
Studies have found that men are responsible for 80% to 95% of child sexual abuse cases whether the child is male or female. (Source: Thoringer, D.; Krivackska, J.; Laye-McDonough, M.; Jarrison, L.; Vincent, O.; & Hedlund, A. (1988). Prevention of child sexual abuse: An analysis of issues, educational programs and research findings. School Psychology Review. 17(4): 614-636.)
Howie often repeats, "What would happen if I said your name?" If more people made the name of an abuser known, more people would be aware and able to protect themselves and their children. They could avoid that person, and keep their children from being alone with that person. It is so important that people know the names of abusers if only to protect themselves and the people they love.
Churches and schools need to announce this information, mail out letters to the parents who are sending their children to these schools, and make sure people are aware even if the abuser is saying they are sorry. Even if the abuser is saying they have only done it once (almost 100% guarantee they have done it more than once, no abuser abuses only once—Jimmy Hinton, an author and podcaster is the son of a pastor who got convicted for abusing many young girls, says a lot about this topic—I'll probably do a post about this stat as well). Even if the abuser is asking for forgiveness and is saying they'll never do it again. Even if the church believes that the abuser is truly sorry.
There are people, church leaders, school boards, etc that will disagree with this. They think that once an abuser has said they are "sorry" and has asked for forgiveness, the issue is done with. They would rather sweep this under the rug, it's "in the past now", and they don't want to sully their reputation or the reputation of the abuser.
They don't realize that abusers live for the thrill of almost getting caught or getting caught but still getting away with it. They don't comprehend that abusers are excellent manipulators. They can get you to think what they want, they can get you to believe that they are sorry and that they won't do it again even as they are abusing another person right under their noses. They don't realize that a true repentant abuser, one who will take all precautions not to do it again, is so incredibly rare.
I've gone on a little rant. I got a little sidetracked, but my anger (and I believe in this case it is righteous anger filled with hurt for the survivors and the prospect of there being more victims when we could prevent that) is clearly shown. My frustration with our churches and schools can be seen in just those few paragraphs. I'm disappointed by how the churches and schools have dealt with my mother's case and many other cases. I want change, major change. A few changes are happening but it is happening far too slowly and far too late for many survivors.
It boggles my mind why these changes are not of the utmost importance to the men in charge. It frustrates and pains me that it has taken this long, that it has taken so many hurt, broken people to come forward with cases and protests for anything to start happening. It simply confuses me. How do our leaders not see the seriousness of this problem? How can they just forgive and forget? Survivors are being hurt so many times over, first by the actual abuser, but then also by the churches and schools.
I will be doing another post delving into churches and schools and examples of preventative actions they can and should take to protect their children and their people from abusers. It will also include what they should do when they have a known abuser in their congregation, and what they should do when they have a new person trying to join their congregation.
Now, back to the lyrics. Howie says something that is true for every single victim: "You took her choice away like she was your prey." No matter if the abuse was done by force, by coercion, if they were a child and "allowed" it because they didn't know any better (still coercion), if they "were asking for it" because of the way they dressed or acted (that's a ridiculous statement that many abusers, pastors [none I personally know], and judges have said) it was never the survivors' fault that they were abused. Their choice was taken away. They were treated like prey with no regard for them as a person. The abuser was using them for their own perverse pleasure with no care how it affected their victim.
At the very end, Howie says, "How many men like you remain nameless?" This is such a sad but true lyric because more than 50% of abuse is not reported, which means that the stats are even higher than we know. Some people don't know their abuser's name, but many don't feel comfortable or safe enough to report them. This means that many abusers remain nameless and get away with their abuse scot-free.
After teasing this song on TikTok and his other social media and after finally releasing it, many survivors have reached out to him with their own stories. So many people have told him that he put their exact thoughts and feelings into a song and that this song has helped them in so many ways. In Howie's description of the music video, he says "To all victims: You are not alone. It wasn't your fault. I believe you." Even hearing this simple paragraph being said gives people hope. Imagine if every man fought for the truth and justice.
The comment section on his music video is painful to read. So many people are commenting with their own stories of abuse and with stories of their loved one's abuse. One comment said something that stuck out to me, "It's not even anger, it's like a patient cold acknowledging emotion of simply accepting the fact that you would do anything to stop another innocent person from experiencing such a horrible situation."
This song is a perfect way to describe the pain, anger, and hopelessness a survivor of abuse and their loved ones feel. But it's also not the end. Anger is not the place you need to stay in for the rest of your life. It will take hard work and there will be ups and downs. Eventually, by the grace of God and with the help of therapy, you can rise above that anger and find healing and forgiveness in your heart. You can find joy and love again, you can be happy, and finally feel free from the guilt, anger, and powerlessness that encompasses you. You can heal.
For the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, dial 988. For the National Domestic Violence Hotline, call 800.799.SAFE (7233). For the National Sexual Assault Hotline, call 800.656.HOPE (4673).
— Live well and laugh often, Ravens. Signing off for now, Hyperactive Raven <3
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